
I’m turning 31. Somehow the year flew by again faster than I expected. We lived through a lot.

This year’s biggest lesson for me, I think, is that making mistakes isn’t always a bad thing.

A patient of ours arrived from the city hospital after surgery for a spinal abscess. The plan was to continue antibiotics and repeat an MRI in four weeks to decide the duration of the antibiotic course and the next steps of treatment. We kept the patient on antibiotics and their condition remained stable. After calculating twice (I’m obsessive like that), I requested the MRI right at the end of the four weeks.

On the day of the scan, the patient left and went for the MRI. The result hadn’t arrived yet when an anxious thought struck me: I realized I’d miscounted, only three weeks had passed, not four. I panicked. I imagined explaining to microbiology and neurosurgery why I had requested the scan at three weeks instead of four. How would I tell radiology I needed another MRI a week later? My thoughts were running wild.

Then the result arrived and it turned out the situation was far worse than before. The neurosurgeons at the city hospital told us to send the patient immediately. If I hadn’t made that “mistake” and hurried the MRI, and if I’d delayed even a week, the patient might now have permanent spinal damage or far worse.

That was a huge lesson for me. I’m an anxious person and I’ve always feared making mistakes, as if each one were the end of the world. But sometimes mistakes save lives. Mistakes are also part of being human. We will do mistakes the important thing is to learn how to live with those errors, accept them, and choose to learn from them. 

Life is like dancing.

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Lately I’ve been obsessed on the idea of dancing. I chose “dance” as my theme for the coming year, not only as a physical practice but as a philosophical metaphor and a symbolic act. I love to dance, though I’m not very good at it. Some time ago I read Nietzsche’s line about believing “only in a god who can dance,” and I became obsessed with the idea. To Nietzsche, dancing meant embracing life, moving in harmony with its rhythm, aligning body, spirit, and thought, and celebrating life even with its mistakes, flaws, obstacles. The idea stuck with me and became my motto for the coming year, even if I forget it often.

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For a long time, couple dancing, tango or something similar was on my bucket list. Then, through a string of coincidences, about a month ago we signed up for couple dance classes. We went, and we even attended a few tango lessons, though not as regularly as I wanted. Life and illnesses got in the way, but we’ll keep going. I want to train my body, mind, and spirit to dance to live in a harmonious rhythm with life.

I didn’t expect this blog post to end up here, from the year's biggest lesson to dance.  But writing it out felt right. When I asked ChatGPT what Nietzsche meant, its reply resonated: Nietzsche is saying, “A God who dances is a God who celebrates the beauty and chaos of existence not one who condemns it.” It’s a call to find the divine creativity and joy within ourselves.

This year brought many other things: new friends, deeper levels of friendship with some old ones, and the painful fading of a few relationships. I traveled to new cities and countries. We started playing tennis this summer, dance course, read few books, tried new recipec, lots of gatherings with friends. I experienced many important moments and missed some equally important ones: I missed weddings of people close to me and couldn’t be beside some loved once on meaningful days. Those absences hurt.

So here I am, entering 31. A little more worn, a little more fragile, but maybe a little freer to make mistakes and to dance anyway. My resolution isn’t a dramatic overhaul, it’s a quiet commitment: to keep learning, to keep accepting my errors, and to keep moving - to dance with life, imperfectly and with joy. And the most important is to not forget what I just written down as my resolution for the coming year :) 

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 "I would believe only in a God who could dance," Friedrich Nietzsche

Dancing with life


2020 has passed, which has left its mark on the lives of all of us. It has passed like all our painful, bad feelings. I got depressed a million times this year, and at the end of the day, they also passed. But this year I also learned to feel my feelings, how many feelings we have buried inside of us, although maybe if we allow ourselves to experience that feeling, it will not last more than 5-10 minutes. This year, I learned to feel the bottom of my most painful feelings, and it didn't take more than 10 minutes, a cure for a lot of things that would throw us into a lifetime and make us psychologically ill, allowing us to feel that terrible pain for just 10 minutes. This also applies to good feelings, which also come and go, and no feeling lasts forever. Although 2020 has changed many things in our lives, it has tested many of us with illnesses and the loss of loved ones, but it has also taught us all great lessons. Maybe these are lessons that we can't learn without pain, maybe it's all for us to learn more. There were so many lessons I learned this year that I accepted them all as a gift and decided to let go of my pain. 

But the biggest gift for me this year was Macy.
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When we took her home, her name was Macy, I didn't like the name at first, I wanted to change it, but I said to myself, "Your job is just to love her, she came with that name, why do you feel like you own it and try to change it as you want." Therefore, I did not change. But when I think of the last days of 2020, the only thing on my mind is that Macy was with us this year, she was a gift to us, how could we spend all this time without her? It was as if God knew there would be a lot of pain this year and sent us a hope. While researching the meaning of the name Macy with these thoughts, I came across the "gift of God" in Hebrew :)
And I started to experience miracles again :) This was not the only miracle I experienced, towards the end of this year, life began to send its miracles despite everything, I found myself in some areas of life, learned more in some areas, began to look at bad events differently. I found the answers to many of my questions.

Because I researched a lot, read a lot. And one of my favourite readings was, as Pincola Estes put it, "Something must die to give birth to something new." She also said that if you feel that everything is falling apart and the walls are falling down, you have two choices, either you will be crushed under those walls or you will go to the other side of the wall. Even if you feel that everything is falling apart, it is for you to cross to the other side of the wall. If that wall doesn't fall, you won't be able to move to the other side, for the better.
This was probably the year I read the most. My favourite book was Pincola Estes' “Women who Run With the Wolves”. It taught me the cycle of life and death.
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While this book also pushed me to study Jung's Psychology, a book about Carl Jung came to me without me looking for it. It was as if I were slowly starting to align with life.

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In everyone's life, something falls, something is rebuilt, when something dies, something else is reborn.
We had time to think a lot, to understand ourselves, to get on our own way, I took the opportunity to try to stay away from social networks as much as possible, I closed my Instagram account and created an environment to stay more with myself. And after 7 months, I decided to open my Instagram, but using it minimally, just following the people who inspired me and sometimes sharing my thoughts.

 On the last day of 2020, I intend to leave the pain behind,  I intend beautiful things, health, enjoying more, to learn more, to know more, to live in peace with myself, to be the best of everything for 2021. We said “Bye” to 2020 as it were one of the most beautiful years as if there was a big party at home. Got dressed and had a party by ourselves :)
Let 2021 comes and goes in the way that we all enjoy more, know ourselves more, and all the best for all of us! Like our feelings :)

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2020 has passed, which has left its mark on the lives of all of us. It has passed like all our painful, bad feelings.

My Thoughts